Phenomenal Woman

My cousin came into town this week and I must say I'm really excited to see her!! Although she is a way older than me, she's definitely a role model that I look up to. Only in her early 30s and she is already an executive Vice President of Bank of America. The goals and things she has already accomplish are things that I look forward to doing in the near future. We went out to dinner last night and she gave me advice on a lot of things. One in particular she talked to me about definitely help me with this low key problem I've been having lately. No it is not boy problems this time (I've decided to just let that be, if it's meant to be then it will be). It was about my weight and my appearance. Now I know I'm not the skinniest girl and I'm not the biggest girl, but for some reason I just haven't been happy with the way I look. I've always been self conscious even tho I tried to hide it, every since high school when I was really big. I refused to take pictures up till my junior year, after I had lost a lot of weight. I've been able to keep most of it off, but being in school, where Taco Bell and McDonald's are only a drive aways, its harder to do that. Not only do I recognize it, but when I come home, that all I hear from my family, "Tamara look at that lil pouch" " Tamara your face is getting fatter!" "Tamara, are you pregnant?!?" It's crazy how much my family criticizes me about my weight. Although I don't let what people say really affect me, but when it comes from my family, I can't help but to feel some type of way about it.

While I was at Dinner with my cousin last night we talked about everything that was going on in each other life and I told her about how sometimes when I go out with my girls shopping I get upset because I can't fit any of the dresses that I really want or tops because of my boobs. It might seem crazy to some girls b/c they always say "Man I wish I could have bigger boobs" and I always tell them, they are not what it's cracked up to be!! Dudes pay more attention to them than they do your face! While I was describing how I felt to my cousin, she began to laugh at me because she went through the same thing growing up! She was telling me about how she had to learn how turn the parts of her body that she considered liabilities to assets. I thought that was a good analogy considering we both were focus in the business field After speaking to my cousin I finally learn to ignore the negative comments and to be proud of what I have. God gave it to me for a reason, so I need to learn how to use it to benefit me instead of holding me back.

Standstill

For the past week I've been feeling really down and out. Nothing traumatic hasn't happen to me so I couldn't figure out what it was for the longest. So yesterday I decided to just take a break from the running around town and having fun to just think about things and life. What better time to do this then while it is raining and storming. After a few hours of contemplating and thinking, I realize that my unhappiness relies on the situation with HIM. I'm not about to sugar coat or fake like everything is fine with us because it's not. It's crazy how much I thought that I missed him when it fact it was just the thought of "US" that I was really missing. Since we've been home, things are no where better or the same. It's just gotten worse. We don't talk at all! By at all I mean I send him a few text here and there but it doesn't feel the same. I even sent him a letter telling him how I felt and what I thought about things and all I got back was "I understand" in shorter words. This isn't how I picture the summer to be for us. I knew the distance was going to take a toll and I knew that relationships or whatever you want to call it don't really last during the summer but damn it's just been a month! I mean don't you think I deserve an explanation as to what's really good, whether it's a "Tamara, I think we should just chill and move on to other people" or "Hey, I know we don't talk everyday, but I'm thinking about you". Just like how guys talk about they're not mind readers, neither am I. You complain about how I show too much emotion when the case is that you don't show none. How will I ever know what's really good if you do speak up and tell me??

Last night I really kept contemplating what I should do about the situation. Let him go completely or just chill and just see how things go. So I decided to do a Pros and Cons list of things about him and the situation and I must say that there were more things on the Cons list than the Pros. With that the solution would've been obvious, let him go. But one thing on the Pros just outweigh everything on the Cons...the way I feel about him. Feelings I've developed for him over a year now can't just up and leave like that. I mean eventually I will have to get over him because all good things don't last forever. But right now I don't think I am ready to. But for some reason I feel like I have not choice. I don't know, I guess you can say I'm at a standstill point right now....

When is it enough??

If you like the GS Boyz first single, "Stanky Leg", then you might like their newest one. Surprisingly, they might be able to be more than a one hit wonder, since the new fad is making dance move song. Their newest video air Thursday on 106 and Park called "Booty Dew". It's a spin off to part of the Stanky Leg. I still don't know how I feel about this song, but I'm sure I will be hearing it at 12-2 in the Student Center next year.

Chills

I've been listening to this song a lot lately. It's by Fatty Koo called "Chills". I know they didn't have that many successful songs, but this one that I really like still! This song is kind of old but it explains how I feel right now...

[Valure]
The sunlight smiles
Faithful everyday for you
No one can come close to the
Joy you bring to me
Whispers like a summer breeze
To put my mind at ease
When I look into your eyes
I envision you and me
On love's journey
So I wrote this melody
To show you that you send me

[Chorus]
Chills running through my body
Shivering down my spine
Keeps me quivering for you
So happy that your mine
I'm shaken, I can't control myself
Cuz you
You send me chills

[Verse 2]

[Josh]
Come whisper in my ear
Tell me what your heart desires
Girl I feel that you’re the one
That I could spend forever with
You give me that sensation
That no other love can give
[Valure]
Boy what you do for me
Goes far beyond my wildest dreams
[Eddie]
Say you'll never leave
Girl when you look at me
I get this feeling inside of me

[Chorus]

[Valure]
Cold as the winter breeze
Makin my heart freeze
Ooohhhh
Hot as the summer flame
When u say my name

[Eddie]
Sparkling like Perrier
Got me dizzy like Chardonnay

[Valure]
I feel chills
when u look at me
Chills
When u touch me
Chills running all over my body

[Chorus]

[Hook]
You send me chills [x7]
I can't help it
I can't stop it
I can't fake it
[Valure]
I can't lie
Cuz you send me chills

It's Just Emotions

I'm slowly realizing why I always have some many issues with guys I talk to...my emotions. I ALWAYS let my emotions get the best of me! Now some say it's because of my zodiac sign (I'm a Cancer :-) ), or it's because I'm a girl. I like to think that it's because it's me. I've always been told that I'm so emotional and I use to think that it's a bad thing, but I'm starting to accept it and be happy with it. God made me this way! He made me so that I'm compassionate and caring about others and their emotions. He created me to display how I feel without caring how other's felt. That's just me! Take or leave it! Some of my friends might think that it's annoying but hey, deal with it. My family has dealt with it for so long without saying anything about, so it can't be that bad. Plus I feel like sometimes people need to show more emotions. Is it my fault that people are too intimidated to show how they really fell?? If people did this more often, girls wouldn't be going around wondering how a guy feels, and guys don't have to keep trying to guess what's the problem. I think ever relationship needs a balance of emotions. How else do you show that you care about someone, just telling them?? That doesn't work for me, show me through your emotions! If your happy to be around me, show it! Smile, laugh, cry, frown...I don't care! I rather show me how you feel then me guess "well i think he miss me..." or "I think he likes me, he's talking to me right?" Emotions need to be shared people!! And if people have a problem with it, then it must be some bitterness they have towards it. Perhaps you've shown your emotions and got hurt in the end...that happens! I've been through it PLENTY of times!!

NOW I'm not saying right off the back show all the emotions you have for a person...because that just might scare the person off. But once you feel comfortable with that person, don't hesitate to show some emotions; whether it's being happy,sad, excited or jealous. It's better to know how someone feels then to walk around being oblivious to the whole thing!

Letting Go

I haven't blogged in a minute so I decided to give a little update on my situation.

So I know I've made several blogs about some of the obstacles I've had to face with ex's and current boos, but I promise this one is a good one, well in my eyes at least. Since I've been home, I've been trying to answer all the questions I still had wondering around in my heard. I must say this past month since I've been home, has enabled me to close the door on a lot of ex's and people that just were not making my like any better. Not saying these people were bad and a burden, they just weren't what I need right now in my life. I have a tendency to have a hard time letting go of people, especially when it comes to ex's. I know that sound pitiful but that's just how it is. And by letting go, I don't mean that whole stalking thing, I mean I can't just be friends with an ex. I use to always let them think that there is a possibility that we could get back together. But I've realize, that not matter how many times I give people tries, they are going to continue to not change unless it's something that they want. So this summer I'm making sure that I don't give them that possibility. Because right now, I am happy with where at I'm at with that special person...