No Rewind Button

The one problem I continue to fast with myself is the ability to let go, for good! When things don't go right with certain people, particularly guys, I'll let them go for the moment, but I always seem to find one reason why I should give them another shot. Why do I do this?? Why do I always continue to go back to the one thing that use to hurt me. They say the same thing over and over again, "I've changed" or " I've realize how much I need you". It's the same old same old every time, and what do I do, I fall for it. Not this time. I let you go for a reason. It's time that I leave past things in the past. Stop rewinding and just push forward. Ladies, we always seem to have sympathy for the past, but it's just that, the past. Staying stuck in the past will only cripple you from enjoying what could be coming to you in the future. Ladies remember, If it isn't part of your present, there is no need in trying to bring it to your future.

No Hard Feelings

When your so comfortable with someone, it's hard to let them go. The person you confide and rely on for your needs sometimes aren't always what's best for you at this moment in time. Instead of holding on to something that isn't there anymore, I rather just walk away from it. Walk away with no hate, no spite, no hard feelings...but instead with memories. Good times we had together, good times playing together, and good times just enjoying each others company. No one is to blame for this but time. Time to move on. Time to just explore something new. Life's too short to just be sitting there stuck. If it isn't going anywhere, move on. There is nothing wrong with still being cool and still hanging out, but the thought of you and me has disintegrated. There is no more. And I'm find with that. So thanks for the memories and the time we had, no hard feelings, it's just that time.

And I'm Back

So since my last blog, things have change. Me and him went through our hate period and ended up talking it out and we're fine. I enjoy his company and hanging out with him, but what happened has taught me to always protect my heart and that's what I'm doing. School has become really stressful. All this work that I am getting, will it ever end?!?! I started back working at my job and I like it so far. I can tell the boys there are going to be drama because there are a lot of girls there that have claims on them. I don't care. I'm not there to make friends and book dudes. I'm all about the paper and that's all the care about. I met this guy whose pretty cool there, but I refuse to give him my number only cuz I don't kno too much about him and what his deal is. For the most point guys, I'm pretty much staying to myself, it keeps me chill, drama-free, and away from getting hurt. Some may say that's a unhealthy way to live, but it's working fine for me. I'm having fun and enjoying life with my guard up at the same time.

So Far Gone

So I've been busy with school to really blog but too much has been going on in my life that I need to just vent. Since I'm too furious to ever say this to his face without saying something I will later in life regret, I rather just write them down here....

When it all comes down to it, you've changed. The guy I once enjoyed spending time with and talking to is now a big shot wannabe. Yea I said it, wannabe. I don't know what your trying to be, but it's not you. Trust I know. You don't answer your phone, your rude, you don't care about anything, your lazy. Who are you?!?! Do you even know? You can't even hold a conversation with me. You claim "I'm crazy and won't understand" but in all reality, your just scared. Scared that you actually liked me and was falling for me. Scared that perhaps I was actually a good catch. I never nagged you, accused you of anything. I always let you do YOU, and that you couldn't handle. I was the girl that you always tweeted about, the ideal girl that you wanted. You had her and what did you do, run away. SMH such a typical boy. And the sad thing about it, you couldn't even be a man about it and say it to my face how you felt. Instead, you hid behind your lies, games, and this new "you." I see you moving on up and got your own spot now and your boys are always around and he got your new little crew of friends, but are they worth it all. Worth the lies and deceit that you gave me? Worth the pain and anger you given me since we've been back here. They must really have a big effect on you, considering how they've change the "old you". The you I enjoyed talking to, chilling with, watching movies with. The you that was generally a good person. I've told you from day one, I'm not like other girls and you never understood what I meant. I still see till this day that you don't get me. Why? Because you ran and told my friend how you felt but was scared to tell me because "I'm crazy". PLEASE! You couldn't tell me because you didn't have the balls to. Either that or you just don't care. But it's ok. Unlike other girls, I don't keep fighting on for someone that's not worth it. Your just a stepping stone for another one. Yea the time we shared was good, but best believe it can be replace and it did, the next day.

You can call me bitter, crazy, or whatever you want. In all reality, I'm right. I'm not even the only one to notice, but since I once cared about you, I don't mind telling you about yourself. With me writing this I can assure that I have put you and all the memories of us behind me and have officially moved on :-)

21 Questions

1.) If I was sick, would you take care of me?

2.) If I had a bad day, could I count on you to put a smile on my face?

3.) If I was lonely, would you stay the night with me?

4.) If I saw you with your boys, would you acknowledge me?

5.) Would you even give me a hug? Maybe a kiss?

6.) If someone asked you about me, would you claim me?

7.) Should I even be claiming you?

8.) Is this all about sex?

9.) Do I ask for too much?

10.) Do I take us more serious than you?

11.) Should I be moving on?

12.) Will we ever go on a date?

13.) Am I holding on to false hopes and dreams?

14.) Is this as far as it's going to go?

15.) Am I asking for too much from you?

16.) Am I the only one?

17.) Am I more into this than you?

18.) Is it safe to be all about you?

19.) Am I over exaggerating?

20.) Do I put in more than you do?

21.) If I ever needed you for something, could I count on you?

If only these questions could be answered, NO BULLSHIT, strictly correct, I could move forward with my life, knowing what was really going on.

Ready

With all the rain today, there was nothing else to do but listen to Trey Songz's new album "Ready". Once again I am impress! With his steady mixtapes circulating the web, Songz definitely brought an appropriate album to his fans. Although there are some songs from his mixtape, the album definitely serves it's purpose. While listening to the album all day in steady repetition, I already have my favorite song on the album, "Jupiter Love".

Goodbye Summer

As I finish packing the last of my stuff, I've been reminiscing on the memories I have this summer.

Summer, I just wanted to thank you for....

....random fun nights at the BLVD

....Carnivals at Largo Town Center

....thirsty Thursdays at Morgan ;-)

....late night cyphers

....parking lot pimping in Micheville Plaza

....late night trips to the Harbor

....Caribbean Festival

....4th of July/Bday Celebration in Hampton

....cookouts

....VIP status at the Clubs

....Internships (PAID)

....new friendships

.....mini shopping sprees

.....random trips to Laurel

.....RITAS!!!

.....paychecks

.....new cars

.....vacations

....special memories.....

See you next year!!!

Been Gone For A Min...

I haven't really blogged in a min. Since Aug arrived, I guess you can say I've been on the move. I just came back from a wonderful week in Florida with the twin/roomie Tara, and that vacation was well needed! We did nothing but be lazy, hang by the pool, beach, even in the room, with the occasional site seeing and eating lol. This vacation gave me a lot of time to just think and chill, and I love doing that. In all reality, no matter how much on a go you are, you just need some time to reflect and think about what's really going on in your life.

I've been going back and forth with a lot lately (on the lowsky lol). For some reason a lot of things have been annoying me. People constantly texting/calling me, desperate boys, nagging mom. Everything just really annoyed me!! One thing in particular was boys. Don't you hate when the boy that you really want, just isn't doing what you want, but the guys you don't care about are putting into overtime?? I hate that!! I hated looking at my text wondering if it was him, but instead it's one of the other boys...ugh! Now don't get me wrong, the boys that hit me up are sweet and nice, but they just aren't what I want! Not to mention, they are in the past. This summer was a lot of re-evaluating friendships and past relationships. I let go of them all! I'm tired of going back and forth with the same boys. If it hasn't worked by now, then it just wont! Dealing with the same things that make me smile, yet made me dropped them in the beginning was getting old pretty fast, so I had to end it all for good!

Now when it comes to "him", I really can't tell you how that's going. One min I'm annoyed by him because he still doesn't get this whole communication thing, but then the next when I hear from him, I get that smile again. It's crazy how I hear from him for a little and things are good, and then they just stop...so abruptly! Then when I do finally hear from him, it's as if the fact that I didn't hear from him, didn't matter. Sometime I want to complain about it to him, but instead of causing more problems, I just brush it to the side and enjoy the moment.

Something

Since I decided to have a chill Sunday and just listen to music, I've been vibing to Heartbrake Drake 2 for the past few weeks and this song has been my favorite. It wasn't until today that I actually listen to the words and realized that goes with a lot of how I am feeling right about now. So I decided to put the lyrics up here for you guys to see...

Something

Falling too fast

Clearly rules dont apply

Cant believe that I just met you

You got me here watching minutes pass by

Wondering when to expect you

There you go is this a dream

Looking like every picture that Ive seen of you before

Ive seen it all before now that its over

Should have known better

Then to think this was real

And you could be mine

Should have known better

Slowed it down

Cause I feel you needed time

But I kept thinkin

This could be something 3x

This could be 2x

This could be something 3x

Maybe its just nothing at all

But this could be something

This could be something 2x

This could be 2x

This could be something 3x

Maybe its just nothing at all

At all 2x

Maybe its just nothing at all

At all 2x

I guess its what we make it 2x

Brand New

Summer is starting to whine down unfortunately, but I must say that I had a pretty memorable one. From parties, to random adventures, to club hopping, to straight chillin, this summer is definitely one for the books. One thing this summer definitely helped me with is grounding myself and bringing myself back to who I once was. With the summer quickly coming to an end, the school year is about to start back up and that means that everyone will be going back to their schools and trying to get back into the swing of things. One thing that is always common, especially at Hampton, is people coming back "brand new". I think everyone has dealt with it; from boyfriends, to boos, to friends, to even your room mate, everyone thinks that coming back with a new attitude is always for the best. Me and my friend Tara always try to figure out who, out of the people we know, will do this and it always seems to shock us, mainly because it was the boys we were talking to that came back "BRAND NEW".

Now I hope this year is different since we're juniors and we should pretty much know who we're cool with. But for some reason, I can't help but to wonder, how things really will be this semester. I know things with my friends will probably stay the same, then again, there might be a little bit of surprises from certain people, but none the less, my friends pretty much stay real. But when it comes to boys, I don't really know how that will go. My mom kid around with me in the beginning of the summer saying "When you get back to school, all your friends are going to still have their boys and you're going to have to start over." Then I knew it was a joke, but I started thinking about it yesterday. That maybe the case when the semester start, and I'm just going to have to be prepared for it. All good things come to an end at some point in time.

Am I ready for it to end, probably not. Do I want it to end? No, not really. Will it end? Only time will tell. Until I know what's going to happen, I guess I'm just going to have to protect myself and my feelings.

Too Late to Apologize??

As one of the top 2 trends on twitter, Chris Brown publically apologized for his actions back in February that involved Rhianna. I don't know about everyone else, but his apology seem genuine to me and although there is no way to justify what he did, I'm still and always will be a Chris Brown fan.

Rules are made to be broken

So I was talking to one of my friends from high school today and we were catching up on each other lives. And of course we were discussing the boys that are in each other lives and I was telling her about him. I basically gave her the whole semester run down of everything that has happen to between us, the good and the bad and overall my friend was so shock at the way I was handling things. Now, let me update you guys on the "old Tamara". Back in high school, especially senior year, I guess you could call me a "pimp/player". I knew the game and played it very well I must say. Never got hurt, always did the hurting. I didn't really take any BS from no guy, because if that was the case, like my man GUCCI said "next 15 one was coming". I had so many rules when it came to boys. Only talk to a boy 3 times out the week, never saved phone number tills after we've been texting for at least a week, no emotions involves, when they started getting intotheir feelings, fall back. My friends use to call me the "female version of boys". If any of my friends had a boy problem, I had the answer to it.

What tickled my friend so much about my situation now is that I was not like the "Old Tamara" when it came to him. I changed ALL the rules up to the game. I hate to admit it but she was so right. I let my guard down with him and basically started acting like a female, with feelings and emotions and everything else. The sad thing about it is that I didn't even really notice it until she pointed it out. Now my friend asked me why after everything I told her I was still talking to him and still having him around.That wasn't like me at all. One mess up and I was done with you, I did't have time for second chances. And I had to explain it to her like this:

It's good to have some kind of rules or guidelines that you go by when it comes to boys. They are helpful when it comes to protecting yourself from getting hurt. But sometimes they are meant to be bent or broken. Especially when it's a good guy that you have. He's a nice guy. A little rough around the edges sometimes, and although he don't catch on quickly to some of the things that I want, he means well. All the little "games" and "run around" that girls go through, I don't have to. He makes it plain and clear how he feels (when I drag it out of him lol) and he means it. But overall, he's right for me. Not all guys are perfect. Even the best ones, have something that you don't agree with, but that's fine. If everything was perfect all the time, that would get boring. Sometime you need a little disagreements and problems to reassure that it is worth it. He may not understand that I need attention and that I'm an emotional person all the time, but at least he treats me right. He don't play me or is rude to me. Like I said before, he's a genuine person. Even my room mate is all for him (which is a good thing because Tara, doesn't fight for ANYONE! lol).

After explaining all this to my girl, she finally understand why I'm still involved with him. She told me "well, Tamara, it seems like you got yourself, a nice guy there. Don't mess it up." And I must say, I'm really trying hard not to :-)

Truly Blessed

Lately a lot of things have been in my favor and I am so happy about that. My grandpa just brought me a car that I am overly appreciative about. I've been wanting a new car since my old one died in November, but my mom kept telling me that she couldn't afford it right now. So all summer my goal was to have me a car by at least my birthday, if not then by the time I go back to school. While my birthday was approaching, I realize that I didn't have enough money saved up to come close to buying any type of reliable car, so those goals and dreams were about to go down the drain. Until Thursday when my grandpa ask me to come over and to spend some time with him. In the back of my mind I was thinking "Man, I don't have time to just sit there and talk to him, I rather be sleep!" But I went anyways because I haven't seen my grandparents in a minute. To my surprise, when I got there, my grandpa had my car parked out front ready for me. A 2002 Mercedes Benz! I was too excited and very appreciative. One thing that I realize lately is that although my family do not do things when I want them to, they always makes sure that I have everything that I need. More importantly, GOD always knows what we need and when we need it. I though all semester last year that I NEED a car, and although I "thought" I needed one, in reality, I probably was not ready for one. God and my family has truly blessed me with everything that I could ask for and I am graciously appreciative of it. There is nothing more that I can say but "THANK YOU" and "I AM BLESS"

Black Summer's Night

So the most anticipated album is here finally, well for me atlleast. Maxwell has produce yet another highly favored album for me "Black Summer Night". Although it just came out yesterday, I have already heard every song and I'm feeling them all. My favorites so far has to be "Bad Habit" and "Fistful of Tears" besides from his radio single "Pretty Wings". I suggest that everyone get his album and support him, because I can't even remember the last time we've heard some real R&B music during our generations.

Careless

So blog I must say that I've been really Happy lately!! I've been smiling a lot more, laughing a lot, and just overall in a good mood!! Partly because I was anticipating my 20th birthday which was yesterday. I had a lot of fun this past weekend back down at Hampton, celebrating with my girls, brothers, and my friends down there. People really cared about it being my birthday and really made sure that I had a good time. It was non-stop fun and things to do, I wish we didn't have to leave on Sunday. My actual birthday was pretty chill. He was actual the first one to call, which was actually a big shock to me. I got flowers sent to me from someone that I still don't know who. I went to dinner with my family and ended up chilling with my big brothers and Pitts. I was surprise at how many people actually called me and remembered because I didn't really bring it up to that many people unless you read my signature on my text messages. Over all it was really nice.

But beside my birthday arrival, I have been really happy lately because of my new care free view of everything. Nothing bothers me anymore. Whether it's family, drama with friends, HIM, I just don't care. And it's not a mean or a negative I don't care, it's more of a I just don't wanna be effected by these little things anymore. No more hoping he calls/text me, I just don't care. If he wants to talk to me, he knows my number and how to reach me. And I must say, this carefree attitude feels good! Drama with friends don't even phase me anymore. If he has nothing to do with me and my name isn't really in it, I could careless about what happens.

Now I don't want anyone to think that this is me trying to be reckless and mean, but think about it: why do we care about all the petty little things, especially when the other person, probably isn't even tripping over it. Life is too short to be worrying about the "he say/she say", the boy drama, and the petty things that happen in your family. Let it all go, do you! Who cares what others say or do, because in the end, it's all about YOUR happiness. And I must say I am really happy right now :-)

Phenomenal Woman

My cousin came into town this week and I must say I'm really excited to see her!! Although she is a way older than me, she's definitely a role model that I look up to. Only in her early 30s and she is already an executive Vice President of Bank of America. The goals and things she has already accomplish are things that I look forward to doing in the near future. We went out to dinner last night and she gave me advice on a lot of things. One in particular she talked to me about definitely help me with this low key problem I've been having lately. No it is not boy problems this time (I've decided to just let that be, if it's meant to be then it will be). It was about my weight and my appearance. Now I know I'm not the skinniest girl and I'm not the biggest girl, but for some reason I just haven't been happy with the way I look. I've always been self conscious even tho I tried to hide it, every since high school when I was really big. I refused to take pictures up till my junior year, after I had lost a lot of weight. I've been able to keep most of it off, but being in school, where Taco Bell and McDonald's are only a drive aways, its harder to do that. Not only do I recognize it, but when I come home, that all I hear from my family, "Tamara look at that lil pouch" " Tamara your face is getting fatter!" "Tamara, are you pregnant?!?" It's crazy how much my family criticizes me about my weight. Although I don't let what people say really affect me, but when it comes from my family, I can't help but to feel some type of way about it.

While I was at Dinner with my cousin last night we talked about everything that was going on in each other life and I told her about how sometimes when I go out with my girls shopping I get upset because I can't fit any of the dresses that I really want or tops because of my boobs. It might seem crazy to some girls b/c they always say "Man I wish I could have bigger boobs" and I always tell them, they are not what it's cracked up to be!! Dudes pay more attention to them than they do your face! While I was describing how I felt to my cousin, she began to laugh at me because she went through the same thing growing up! She was telling me about how she had to learn how turn the parts of her body that she considered liabilities to assets. I thought that was a good analogy considering we both were focus in the business field After speaking to my cousin I finally learn to ignore the negative comments and to be proud of what I have. God gave it to me for a reason, so I need to learn how to use it to benefit me instead of holding me back.

Standstill

For the past week I've been feeling really down and out. Nothing traumatic hasn't happen to me so I couldn't figure out what it was for the longest. So yesterday I decided to just take a break from the running around town and having fun to just think about things and life. What better time to do this then while it is raining and storming. After a few hours of contemplating and thinking, I realize that my unhappiness relies on the situation with HIM. I'm not about to sugar coat or fake like everything is fine with us because it's not. It's crazy how much I thought that I missed him when it fact it was just the thought of "US" that I was really missing. Since we've been home, things are no where better or the same. It's just gotten worse. We don't talk at all! By at all I mean I send him a few text here and there but it doesn't feel the same. I even sent him a letter telling him how I felt and what I thought about things and all I got back was "I understand" in shorter words. This isn't how I picture the summer to be for us. I knew the distance was going to take a toll and I knew that relationships or whatever you want to call it don't really last during the summer but damn it's just been a month! I mean don't you think I deserve an explanation as to what's really good, whether it's a "Tamara, I think we should just chill and move on to other people" or "Hey, I know we don't talk everyday, but I'm thinking about you". Just like how guys talk about they're not mind readers, neither am I. You complain about how I show too much emotion when the case is that you don't show none. How will I ever know what's really good if you do speak up and tell me??

Last night I really kept contemplating what I should do about the situation. Let him go completely or just chill and just see how things go. So I decided to do a Pros and Cons list of things about him and the situation and I must say that there were more things on the Cons list than the Pros. With that the solution would've been obvious, let him go. But one thing on the Pros just outweigh everything on the Cons...the way I feel about him. Feelings I've developed for him over a year now can't just up and leave like that. I mean eventually I will have to get over him because all good things don't last forever. But right now I don't think I am ready to. But for some reason I feel like I have not choice. I don't know, I guess you can say I'm at a standstill point right now....

When is it enough??

If you like the GS Boyz first single, "Stanky Leg", then you might like their newest one. Surprisingly, they might be able to be more than a one hit wonder, since the new fad is making dance move song. Their newest video air Thursday on 106 and Park called "Booty Dew". It's a spin off to part of the Stanky Leg. I still don't know how I feel about this song, but I'm sure I will be hearing it at 12-2 in the Student Center next year.

Chills

I've been listening to this song a lot lately. It's by Fatty Koo called "Chills". I know they didn't have that many successful songs, but this one that I really like still! This song is kind of old but it explains how I feel right now...

[Valure]
The sunlight smiles
Faithful everyday for you
No one can come close to the
Joy you bring to me
Whispers like a summer breeze
To put my mind at ease
When I look into your eyes
I envision you and me
On love's journey
So I wrote this melody
To show you that you send me

[Chorus]
Chills running through my body
Shivering down my spine
Keeps me quivering for you
So happy that your mine
I'm shaken, I can't control myself
Cuz you
You send me chills

[Verse 2]

[Josh]
Come whisper in my ear
Tell me what your heart desires
Girl I feel that you’re the one
That I could spend forever with
You give me that sensation
That no other love can give
[Valure]
Boy what you do for me
Goes far beyond my wildest dreams
[Eddie]
Say you'll never leave
Girl when you look at me
I get this feeling inside of me

[Chorus]

[Valure]
Cold as the winter breeze
Makin my heart freeze
Ooohhhh
Hot as the summer flame
When u say my name

[Eddie]
Sparkling like Perrier
Got me dizzy like Chardonnay

[Valure]
I feel chills
when u look at me
Chills
When u touch me
Chills running all over my body

[Chorus]

[Hook]
You send me chills [x7]
I can't help it
I can't stop it
I can't fake it
[Valure]
I can't lie
Cuz you send me chills

It's Just Emotions

I'm slowly realizing why I always have some many issues with guys I talk to...my emotions. I ALWAYS let my emotions get the best of me! Now some say it's because of my zodiac sign (I'm a Cancer :-) ), or it's because I'm a girl. I like to think that it's because it's me. I've always been told that I'm so emotional and I use to think that it's a bad thing, but I'm starting to accept it and be happy with it. God made me this way! He made me so that I'm compassionate and caring about others and their emotions. He created me to display how I feel without caring how other's felt. That's just me! Take or leave it! Some of my friends might think that it's annoying but hey, deal with it. My family has dealt with it for so long without saying anything about, so it can't be that bad. Plus I feel like sometimes people need to show more emotions. Is it my fault that people are too intimidated to show how they really fell?? If people did this more often, girls wouldn't be going around wondering how a guy feels, and guys don't have to keep trying to guess what's the problem. I think ever relationship needs a balance of emotions. How else do you show that you care about someone, just telling them?? That doesn't work for me, show me through your emotions! If your happy to be around me, show it! Smile, laugh, cry, frown...I don't care! I rather show me how you feel then me guess "well i think he miss me..." or "I think he likes me, he's talking to me right?" Emotions need to be shared people!! And if people have a problem with it, then it must be some bitterness they have towards it. Perhaps you've shown your emotions and got hurt in the end...that happens! I've been through it PLENTY of times!!

NOW I'm not saying right off the back show all the emotions you have for a person...because that just might scare the person off. But once you feel comfortable with that person, don't hesitate to show some emotions; whether it's being happy,sad, excited or jealous. It's better to know how someone feels then to walk around being oblivious to the whole thing!

Letting Go

I haven't blogged in a minute so I decided to give a little update on my situation.

So I know I've made several blogs about some of the obstacles I've had to face with ex's and current boos, but I promise this one is a good one, well in my eyes at least. Since I've been home, I've been trying to answer all the questions I still had wondering around in my heard. I must say this past month since I've been home, has enabled me to close the door on a lot of ex's and people that just were not making my like any better. Not saying these people were bad and a burden, they just weren't what I need right now in my life. I have a tendency to have a hard time letting go of people, especially when it comes to ex's. I know that sound pitiful but that's just how it is. And by letting go, I don't mean that whole stalking thing, I mean I can't just be friends with an ex. I use to always let them think that there is a possibility that we could get back together. But I've realize, that not matter how many times I give people tries, they are going to continue to not change unless it's something that they want. So this summer I'm making sure that I don't give them that possibility. Because right now, I am happy with where at I'm at with that special person...

Something's Missing

Summer has been in full effect since I've been home. Parties, cookouts, get together, etc. things have been pretty nice. I can already tell this summer is just bout to be to the one that has all the memories. With me and my P.I.C. (that's Morgan for all of y'all slow people), anything is possible. But yesterday I realize something, I have been so busy trying to make sure that I am doing something at all times, because I didn't want to think about HIM. I've been having so much fun meeting new people, doing new things that something still didn't feel right about all of it. Now let me explain myself before people get it twisted. We've been home from school for about 3 weeks now, so isn't it too soon to miss someone?? This week I swear everything started to remind me of him! Songs, ESPN Sport center, and these little poppers I got for him at the beach. I was telling Morgan that I don't want to spend my whole summer just thinking about how much I miss him and don't have fun because I'm sure he probably isn't doing the same. Not saying he don't miss me, but he's just not the one to show it like that. I don't know how much longer I can go without seeing him, I barely here his voice, but I guess I have no choice. I will just have to continue to make the best out of my summer with Him here with me :-/

Home Alone

So Summer officially started for me this week and I must say I am impressed with the way things are going. Fun time back home at LOVE (we partied like the VIP we are), fun time stunting around PG county, and Fun time just chilling with friends. I cant tell already from this week that this summer is going to be about meeting new people and just stepping my game up on a lot of things. Although the summer is getting off to a good start, I can't say the same for being at home. Things just aren't the same. Little sister is just too grown, and doing the most! I know I wasn't like her growing up. Some of the things she say and do just never make sense to me. I guess that's just part of growing up. Mom dukes, I don't even know what's really good with her. I'm trying so hard to be respectful to her because at the end of the day she is my mom, but sometimes she just isn't reasonable.

I don't get it. I feel like we go through this every time I come home for a break. I've been aways for months on my own, where you never ask me where I'm going and what I'm doing. Then as soon as I get back home, you question every single move I make. I can see if I was a bad kid that has gotten into some trouble in my time. But I go to school, make good grades, never got in trouble, always working when I come home, respectable to others. What more do you want?!?! I'm almost 20 years old and I feel like sometimes I'm being question as if I'm my little sister. And if only she knew what she was up to!!! It's crazy how my cousin use to always tell me, when you go to college, home doesn't really feel like home anymore. And you know what, I have to agree. Home just doesn't feel the same anymore. I feel like I'm a guest in this house, that's only visiting for a few months.

Now I don't know about other people, but that's just not how I want to live. I wish home and my family could be like my friends back here at home, no matter how far away we are, when we get back together, its just like we never left each other. I know how that's going to happen, but all I know is that things just can't be like this for the next four months!!

History Repeats Itself

I'm starting to second guess a lot of things right now. Did I make the mistake of letting you go?? Did you deserve a second, third, or fourth chance?? How do you know when to give up completely? I've only been home for a few days and already things are getting a little hectic. I know it's summer time and it's time for fun and games, but I don't know about this feeling. Some say I've move on, but why does everything keeps coming back to you. It's not like we can go our separate ways, too many people are involves: friends, family, even feelings. Seeing you interact with my mom and family today and realizing how much of a chemistry we have, got me really thinking. You got her and I got him, but what about us?? I don't know what any of this means, but all I know is that this summer will determine a lot for me.

People Talk

So it's crazy how much I've gone through this semester with this one person, and I have yet to blog about. We'll I've decided that it's the last straw and I need to get this out. When will girls ever learn that your actions reflect on who you are!?!? If your going to do your dirt, do it, and don't be ashamed of it. Don't go around trying to make people believe your innocent, when your going around opening your legs and mouth to any dude that gives you any attention. Come on, we're about to be juniors and you have yet to understand it!! You've witness first had what it's like for dudes to be made cool with a girl, but when she isn't around, slander her name. Why would you want to put your self in that situation?? And if you don't care about yourself, what about the girls you call your "friends". Why do you keep things from them. How can we be your "girls" and you can't even tell us what's going on in your life?? No one wants to be nosy and want to tell you how to control your life,but if you can't talk to your girls, who can you talk to?? Some guy, that you just become "best friends" with? Or better yet, how about a guy that you don't really know but are cool with your friends? You're quick to tell everyone else, but the people that are suppose to have your back, the truth. It's girls like you that really give the rest a bad name. Why would a guy try to bun up a girl, when there are girls running around giving themselves up on the spot?? Why work for something that is already given to you on a silver platter??

Somebody made a good point to me last night. If your going to be done with a person, be done with them. Stop going back and forth with the person, because it starts to make you look like a fake person. And you know what, I have to agree. I'm tired of trying to be nice and try to work things out when I constantly still hear bad things about you! I'm done with it. This summer will be a time for me to reflect on things and get things together, because I know for a fact...I will not go through all the drama that I did with you, next year.

Pretty Wings

So I received a random text message and I felt like I should blog about it. My best friend and I always keep each other updated on new songs that comes out that we both might light. He asked me have I heard Maxwell's new song "Pretty Wings". I just took the time to actually listen to it and I can see why my best friend chose this song for me. It's because it's about us. The song talks about how a guy did his girl wrong and realized that he had to let her go because she deserved better. He wanted her to fly on with her "Pretty Wings". Now the song is beautiful and really nice but when I heard it, it made me feel some type of way. I started thinking about all the good and bad times I had with my best friend, who once was my ex. It's crazy how still certain song's always brings back these past emotions I have for him. Am I over him?? I've had several boyfriends after him but they don't compare to him. Regardless of what happens between me with other guys, I know I can always count on him to be there for me.

Some of my friends, including my family, believes that I have already found the one. I'm not quick to believe that, however, there are signs that he is. No matter what I go there, everything always leads to him. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I hope I will figure it out soon.

Obsessed

What’s your obsession? Chocolate, Caramel, Sweet Tea?

We all have our obsessions, but mine?? Let me tell you about mine.

He’s about 6’2 brown-skin, with the smile that lights up his face

My obsession is him.

Not the obsession that makes you want to stalk him. No

This obsession is simple.

It’s the urge to want to spent time with him, to be near him.

It's the obsession with the way he talks, the way he walks,

The way he hugs me just to say hi…it’s just him

It’s hear his voice, his touch, his….yea that’s my obsession

Waking up in the morning knowing that he’s on the mind.

Knowing that he is the first and last person you think about

Knowing that there is a possibility that you will see him today…that’s my obsessions

Now some say obsession can be harmful for you,

But I’m going to take my chance with this one

Because this obsession not only calms and relaxes me, it also challenges me

It keeps me on my feet thinking about what he’s going to do next…obsession takes control

That’s the kind of obsessions I need

Something that is not given to me easily

Something I have to work for

But what happens when obsession turns into something else??

Only time will tell……

It's Bout That Time...

So the end of the semester couldn't have come at a better time.  Things are just getting out of hand! I went to visit one of my big brothers the other night and we ended up talking bout things and how close we were last year and he got me really thinking....did I really change??  Now I know part of growing up means maturing, but what if I changed for the worse rather than the best.  Little things that never matter to me now means the world to me.  For example, the way I look, what clothes I'm wearing, do people see me, how other people look....that was never me!! Changing is a good thing most of the time, but sometimes it can turn into something bad! I'm glad my brother gave me a reality check on this because who better to tell you about yourself than they people you call family and friends.  

Now my brother talking to me was one of the few things that have been bothering me lately.  You can tell Spring/Summer is here because guys are out on the prawl! Dudes I haven't talked to all semester are coming out of their shell bold as ever!! I don't understand yall! Now I know I can be a flirt sometimes...but this semester I've been on my chill status for real, cuz I'm still feeling HIM. But these other guys are really on some other stuff.  What ever happen to dudes and girls just being friends and just chilling?? Unless I given you any reason for you to think I like you, don't get bold...PLEASE! 

Besides from the dudes getting bold down here, I've just been to myself a lot lately. Call me emotional, but when stuff is bothering me, I just want to be to myself!! That' s my way of dealing with whatever is going on in my life.   What bothers me the most is when people constantly ask me what's wrong...if I felt like saying it out loud, I would.  I don't hide things just to hide them, sometimes I just need time to myself....everyone does. Even the most sociable people, need to have some alone time once in a while. Here in college, it's hard to have alone time, because your always with at least one other person, whether it's your room mate, best friend, boo, or whatever. In order to stay sane, every one just needs time to their selves. With this summer coming, I'm sure I will get a lot of this.

Remember when….

I first met you and couldn't pronounce your name

You told your friend to keep me away from you because I annoyed you

I use to harass you every time I saw you because I knew you didn’t like it

I wanted to call you husband and you wanted a divorce

I gave you “purple kisses”

You slowly started to tolerate me

We chilled for the first time outside

You helped me with my big brother when he was tripping that night

Armstrong became our chill spot on the stairs

We found those little word magnets outside of Armstrong

You promise me to go to the universal soul- circus over the summer (still waiting)

We first kissed

You were the director and I was the co-star

I always said your legs were going to run away from you

We watch one Saw movie every Sunday together

Ogden became our second chill spot last semester

We talked to each other every night before we went to sleep over Christmas break

We couldn’t wait to see each other when second semester arrived

You let me vent you about anything that was going on with me 

You surprise me with my favorite pink cupcake from pirates grill

You surprise me with the perfect Valentine’s Day gifts J

I wanted to cook you dinner and you decided to eat cereal 

We ended up going to the Waffle House for dinner

You were super sice for that James Hall Mixtape

You wanted to listen to Lil Wayne mixtapes before we went to sleep

You always wanted to watch ESPN Sportcenter

You made fun of my tacos because it didn’t have the right cheese

You tried to play me because I didn’t know what re-nig meant in SPADES

You cheered me up every time I was sad

I played that funny April Fools Jokes

You played a horrible April Fool’s Joke

We went out for ice cream and you thought it was weird that I broke up my cone

You lashed out at me about making mean blogs about you

We both had our own special days of the week

You sent me “random notes of the day”, and they made me happy

You looked at this post and knew that it was all about YOU J

 

Where is the College part??

So by the looks of my Twitter and Facebook, a lot of people is watching College Hill. Now I guess you can say that I'm a little for the ignorant shows but College Hill is getting to be too much. With numerous seasons under it's belt, I give props to them for knowing what to put on TV to get the ratings. Since the first episode of this new Season, all we have seen is fights, after fights, after fights!!! Come on, it's getting old pretty fast! This new cast is just plain dumb to me. I don't even see this as being College Hill. Isn't College Hill suppose to be about students at a HBCU living together under on roof?? If that's the case, what does this season have to do with any of it?!? I know part of being in college is about spring break and all, but can someone is this house pick up a book or something!! College Hill is starting to give off the bad image about black adolescence that don't do anything but cause drama and start mayhem!! Can anyone tell me where the positive parts about college in this show??

Let's Just Be

So before I went to sleep last night, my bestie called me and I let him read my blog and tell me what he thought of it. He was pretty impressed but a little worried about my last one so I explained to him the situation and he helped me realize my problem. I'm over analyzing things. Now one thing about me is that I don't have a problem stating that I'm wrong about something when it's the case and you know what, I think I was over-reacting just a little. My best friend gave me a lot of insight on how guys operate. When I started having problems with HIM, I found out that it was just personal problems within myself. Now ladies, I know yall probably thinking, "O gosh, here is another woman making excuses for her man" But that' not the case at all.

Ladies, we can not be comfortable with the ways are going and then all of sudden switch the game up on them, guys aren't ready like that. They can not just get up and change things about them, especially when it's the way they've been all their lives. And why make all these changes if we are still doing the sames things just like them, we're not perfect either. If you want things to change between the 2 of you, then let it start with you first. If he agrees and sees that it's for the best then he will follow. Guys need guidance sometimes and we have to be there for that. And once again, I'm not degrading or playing guys, there is nothing wrong with a little guidance sometimes. BUT there is a difference between guidance and dictation. No guy wants a girl that's always trying to tell them what to do and when to do that, they have a mom for that. Guys wants someone their to nurture them physical, spiritual, and emotional. But don't try all of this too soon! We have our whole lives for this and we are just in our primes really. We can't rush everything into these 4 little years we have here. If we do that, then what will we have to look for later on in life.

My best friend also let me in on something else. Ladies, stop trying to find or make your soul-mate come from school. That's a RARE case that you will find him here and if that's the case, then congrats. Your LUCKY! But for the rest, there are wayyyy too many guys out here in the world for you to limit your choices to the boys you see everyday at school. They are all fun and games now, but when we graduate, what about that nice fine looking man with the Range Rover at your office, or what bout that young man that just got his PH-D. There too many of them in this world ladies...you will find the one for you!

Game Over

Well, it's Spring time and you know what that means...Time for people to start acting brand new! Now Spring and Summer are my favorite seasons of the year. Weather's nice, everyone is in a good mood, sometimes a little too good of a mood. Yea this is the time of the year when being single is the only way to go. Old flings resurface from last year and current flings start to become history. But what do you do when you want things to stay the same? It's crazy how when the ball season is over, so is my own season. March madness really had a toll on my team. I don't even know how it all started!! It's only some much you can do to keep someone around. But one thing you can't do is keep pushing for something that just isn't going to be. 7 months...Gone. It's only so much I can take before I move on. The past two month...nothing. I don't even know who you are anymore. Guess time's up on the clock. Thought the team was ready, guess my players are still rookies to the game. Well my investments and team has not time for that. I can't teach you how to play bball, I can only coach you to success, if you WANT it. Guess you didn't.The season is over and it's time for a new starting five. This season, the team played well but it just wasn't enough to win the championship. O well, this Spring and Summer will be a good time to clear the head and get ready for fall tryouts.

Home is where the heart is

Being home this weekend has reminded me so much of why I call it home. When your home, you just get a sense of comfort and security. Ive only been home for a day basically but it seems like all the drama back at school doesn't even matter!! I spent tonight with my Bestie and His lil brother that I call my brother too, and we were just reminiscing on the good days and life. Man so much has changed between us. My first love is my best friend and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Even my mom loves him, which isn't rare, but as much as me and him been through, a love/hate relationship would be OK too. lol He gets me all the time. You know how some people have those people in your life that always seem to come back no matter how many times you try to get over them....well yea that's him. High School sweethearts turned best friends...that's crazy you might think, but that's us. Take it or Leave it.

Now I know some people say ex's can't be just friends or whateva but I disagree. Who else can take the role of a best friend than someone who has seen you at your best and worse moments. Yea things didn't work out with us like we planned but in the end we always have each other's back. No matter what guy that comes in my life or girl that comes into his, we always promise to be there for each other, regardless of the situation. Some of my friends from high school don't get the friendship we have, and they probably won't ever get it. But its doesn't matter as long as when I come home, I know my heart is always here with my Bestie :-)

Don't Dwell On It...

The funniest thing to me when it comes to boys is when they realize that they had was something special. It's crazy how I went on emotional roller coaster rides with you and had to move on. But as soon as you see me happy and living life without you, you want to come back as if nothing ever happened...WRONG!! what ever happen to old girl that you chose over me?? The one with the annoying ass accent, no sense of style, and scary looking eyes. Now trust and believe that I am not hating, because I give credit where it is deserve. But if you going to do me dirty or going to give me competition, at least give me someone that's on my level. Because when it comes to competition, I thrive in them. You might say, I lost because you chose her, but in the end, who is hitting who up on a daily basis. Who can't be in the same room with me without staring at me from a far, as if I don't see it. She wasn't all she looked to be huh? She didn't satisfy your deepest fantasies and pleasures that only I know about huh? Man boys are so funny sometimes. I'm not trying to put you on blast but I'm sorry that it's funny how you really think you can come back like nothing wrong every happened! What kind of girl do you take me for?? The "emotional, dramatic, crazy girl" that you once treated like nothing, is happy and is working with BIGGER (and I do mean bigger) and BETTER things. I hope you read this is realize how much of jerk you really were and I hope you don't dwell too much on what would've been, because that's in the past and there is no need to wishing and hoping for something that will NEVER EVER happen.

March Madness in April???

Sorry to let the world know but there's a problems with relationships. There are too many games being played. I like to look at this whole relationship thing as a basketball game. You have your starting five that are always in the game and always ready, to take that number one spot. You keep them around as a sense of back-up, just in case your point guard just isn't up to the challenge. But there is always that special one, that point guard that's always ready for anything. He's shows the most passion and determination for the game. You can tell his heart is in the game. You just know he is going to take you to the championships and win it all. But what happens, when he continuously fouls out?? What do you do then? You've already benched the rest of the team and it's just an one-on-one game now. Me as the coach, I know he has determination but sometimes I don't think he still has the passion for the game he had months ago. But is that just me tripping?? Now I know I constantly say I don't have time for games, but I think that's all a lie because I'm still playing them today even after 4 years of losing them. It must be my love for the game, I don't know. Same game, different guy. But this time, the ball is in his court and time is running out.....

Intuition

What's the number one rule of the game?? Don't catch feelings!!! You do that, and game over. But what if you thought that something was going to come of this, then what do you do? I'm still listening to Keri Hilson's CD and I must say that my favorite song has to be "Intuition". She is talking about how she's feeling this guy but her intuition is telling her that he is going to mess up like any other guy that has come before him. I must agree with Keri on this song. You can try all you want to treat every guy differently, but at the end of the day, they will some how show you why you can't trust them. I let one of my male friends, Thomas hear this song, and he wasn't feeling it completely but he agreed with some of what she is saying, and that is how I feel. Girls are always talking about how guys cant be trusted and what night, but when it all comes down to it, girls can't be either. Now girls, you can hate me for saying this but it's the truth. Honestly, you would be dumb to tell a guy to trust you because in all reality, we play games too. And hate to break it to yall, it's going to get longer and worse as we get older.

In A Perfect World

So I've been listening to Keri Hilson's debut album, "In A Perfect World" and I must say that I am impress. She def brought her A -game with this album. With several slow jams and women anthems, I must say that Beyonce, might have a little bit of competition in the future. Now I'm not saying that she better than Beyonce or on the same level, but Keri Hilson definitely has a future ahead of her in the music industry. In the past she has written songs for Beyonce, Ne-yo, Rihanna, and many more and you can tell that's a talent for her. She has songs on her album that can apply to any situation that a female is in. From, cheating, to love-making, to break-ups, Keri Hilson brings a soulful, yet edgy at time tone to the music business. I'm expecting more impressive projects in the future.

Square One

When is enough, enough? When the frequent texting starts to end? When you only see him once a week? Or when you've been talking since September, and there still is no title?? Now, I'm not one to nag or complain but I just dont get it! If you like someone, what is keeping you from being with them??? How long can that excuse "I'm just not ready to settle down" last? If I'm the only girl your talking to or messing with, what's so hard about making it official? Is it going to take me moving on for you to realize it? I'm not one to fall or trust someone unless they mean someting to me, but why put yourself out there if they keep hiding how they truly feel?? I just dont get it. Just when you think things are moving forwards, he does something to bring you right back to square one....

What's Love Gotta Do With It?

I was talking to my mom the other day and we were having a heart to heart, boy are those rare! lol but anyways, we got on the topic of Men. she was explaining to me her feeling about love and how she has been feeling lately towards her boyfriend. I think it was so cute to hear my mom describe these feelings she has about her boyfriend and how she wishes that everyone else feels this feeling as well. I tried to explain to my mom why I think it's impossible to experience that feeling here in college...boys just aren't ready. Now I'm not going to put it all on guys, because girls has their own issues as well. I hate how everyone tries to make excuses about why they can't settle down or just be with one person. The one line that i hate the most is "I like you and I care about you, I'm just not ready". I'm sorry but that's just BS to me. If you have so many feeling for someone, then being with just them shouldn't be a problem. Don't talk about how you feel unless you are for sure. It's not hard to be with just one person. Part of living life means to take risk. It's not always good to play the safe side.

Sitting there listening to her over the phone made me realize that Love shouldn't be something that you are afraid to feel, especially since, so many people enjoy this feeling and it was created by God. Now I know somethings that make you feel good aren't always good for you in the end. Being in Love, means taking some risk and making sure that the feelings are mutual. I've experience Love once in my life and I must say, I enjoyed that can't eat, sleep, or do anything else but think bout that special someone. Even though things didn't work out in the end, I will always have a love for him and those memories that we share. But if Love is what my mom is feeling and what I have felt in the past, I think I can give it another try....someday....

Sophomore Slump??

So I was driving around today back at home listening to J. Holiday's new album and I must admit, I'm proud of it. Although his first album, "Back of My Lac" was pretty good to me, others didn't feel the same way. Maybe it's because he's a DC native, which is why I like it, but for real, I think it was pretty good. Now it's his sophomore album and I feel like he has grown a lot as an artist. The songs kind of have the same tempo and meanings as the first, but overall I'm impressed.



Besides from J. Holiday's album, The Dreams new album came out yesterday as well. I have to say, this album is not one of my favorites right now. I was pretty disappointing in this album because his debut album was like that! I loved practically every song on that album, especially, "Purple Kisses". on this album however, besides from the radio sing "Rocking that Thing", the album isn't satisfying.

With this being these two artists sophomore albums, I expected more of a growth besides from the same flow as their debut albums.

Fairytales without the Happy Ending??

I know many of us remember when we were younger hearing several stories that always started out with the "Once upon a time..." and they always ended with "and they lived happily ever after" "Happily ever after" what does that even mean? Does our generation understand the real meaning of being happy? I was talking to my girl Morgan tonight about, what else, Boys. We tend to have these discussions whenever something goes down with us and the boys we LET into our lives. I guess you can say I value my friend opinions about things but in the end it's me who determines the ending result. But today Morgan, mentioned something that I had to agree on, "There is no such thing as princesses and they don't find their prince." Now at first I thought that as a little cold, but I must admit it has some truth. What if we didn't have these fairy tales and these dream lives that our parents filled our heads with when we were younger, would male and females have a better understanding of each other? Now this might be a far fetch idea but hey I'm just wondering. How could we dream of something, if we never were introduced to it?

Now I guess you can call me a realist more so than a dreamer because I don't believe in fairytale endings. I rather keep my heads out of the clouds and focus on realistic goals. But for real, is it really far fetch to dream of prince charming? Adults might say that we're too young to be thinking about love and everything, but how can you put an age on that? I'm not going to lie, I've been in love once and although it ended, I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world. It's a great feeling, but some take it for granted and some don't understand it. Our generation thinks of love as a fad or something that they think is suppose to happen to them. That's not the case at all. Love is a privilege and a gift from God; if you use it the wrong way, he will take it away from you.